Being a bitch is one thing; letting it be known that you are not the one to mess with, always being equipped with the perfect comeback in a tight situation, never leaving the house without looking like a 10. That is what being a bitch, and a proud one, is all about. But being a BASIC BITCH is a whole other category of amazingness.
Urban Dictionary defines a basic bitch as: “1. a bum ass woman who think she the shit but really ain’t”. These are the women who will go into an Ihop, no, Denny’s after getting kicked out of the club for “keeping it too real” and eat a stack of pancakes while talking to their best friend on speaker phone. These bitches do not have to care about anything other than showing the world that they simply do not care. They’re a rare creature that both fascinates and infuriates.
Today, in honor of Jesse Esparza and Connie Shin’s UCB Comedy Sketch Show “Basic Bitches 101” premiering December 4th at 6:30pm, we will be counting down the list of the worlds most famous and favorite Basic Bitches.
10. Omarosa Manigualt Stallworth
Omarosa first showed her face in 2004 on the first season of Donald Trump’s Apprentice, where she made a mad dash to become reality’s number one villain. She made it known that she was there to win the tile of The Apprentice and did everything she could to make that happen. Including a very famous scene where she accused another contestant of being racist after they spouted the well known phrase “The pot calling the kettle black”. After 9 episodes and about 100 well thought out manipulation tactics, Omarosa was fired. She may have come in 5th place in the competition, but she rose to number 1 in the media being lauded as “Reality TV’s number 1 Bad Girl”. (What a prestigious title.)
Since then, she has fought to keep that title along with her relevancy, appearing in over 20 more reality shows. This is that red hot determination only a basic bitch knows. After almost 10 years in the spotlight, Omarosa has published a best selling business book “The Bitch Switch”; gotten into feuds with Wendy Williams, Latoya Jackson (how dare she), and most recently Bethenny Frankel; and has married and sadly laid to rest movie star husband Michael Clarke Duncan. Nowadays, she is following her journey and has become an ordained Baptist minister. Let’s hope she goes to foreign countries and preaches sermons full of low class disses and hair pulling. One can only dream…
9. Wendy Williams
There was a time that Wendy Williams was on our personal sh*t list for starting a feud with legendary singer/ queen of everything Whitney Houston. But time has passed and we understand the need for attention, so we have forgiven Ms. Wendy for now.
Wendy Williams started out as a very popular radio dj from the East Coast. She lent her talents of being a very personal and raw “shock jockette” to Philadelphia and New York radio stations. Her style of controversial and at times questionable formatting made her stand out in an otherwise unnoticed field. She won the Billboard Award for “Best On-Air Radio Personality” in 1993, and by 2008 her show was syndicated in over 10 states.
After a short lived Vh1 reality show called “The Wendy Williams Experience”, Williams decided to put all of her focus towards breaking into the talk show business. In 2008, Williams got a 6 week test run of her daytime talk show “The Wendy Williams Show” which ran in New York City, Dallas, Detroit, and Los Angeles. The show was summer’s biggest hit and became an overnight success. FOX immediately signed “The Wendy Williams Show” up for syndication and ordered episodes well into 2014.
The Wendy Williams Show is the prime example of a basic bitch talk show. In it, she covers celebrity scandals, often giving advice to pictures on the screen; she gives out prizes (a $2.99 glittery pink “diva fan”) for the best dressed audience member; and at the end of the show gives questionable relationship and life advice to the public. Williams even expanded her brand and came out with a book earlier this year titled “Ask Wendy” which is currently on the mantle of my living room next to a plastic Beyonce H&M bag.
8. Miss Piggy
Like many basic bitches before and after her, Miss Piggy began as a minor character on a hit television show, but after much public demand she gradually developed into a central character and went on to become a legend.
Miss Piggy got her start on “The Muppets TV Show” in 1976 as a lovelorn and fame hungry pig in a relationship with Kermit the Frog. But soon, along with her spitfire attitude and on point fashion choices, she moved into the spotlight and became the driving force of the show. Since then, like a true diva she has gone on to star in movies, grace the cover of magazines, and unlike her far inferior cast mates was able to sell a New York Times best selling book. This bitch knew what she wanted and completely got it. She may have just been a pig, but like all basic bitches she was able to let her ferocious spirit shine through and soon became a pop culture icon. TV Guide listed her as #23 on its 50 Greatest TV Stars of All Time list.
Miss Piggy never let anyone or anything get in her way of what she wanted- FAME- and that is why she will always hold a special place in our cold, black hearts forever.
7. Margaret Thatcher
We are no history majors. Let me get that across right now. In fact, until just recently, I couldn’t historically tell the difference between Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon (All old white guys are alike am I right?). But in terms of the Basic Bitch Historical Hall of Fame, even I know that ranking at the top is none other than Margaret Thatcher.
Thatcher was the first and only woman to be Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, and in fact, was the longest serving PM of all time. And again, she was a woman. This was 1979, a time where women in the workplace was looked at as a punchline. They were secretaries, or maids, or a combination of both. Not Margaret Thatcher! She put on her Power blazer with a capital P and threw down with male politicians around the country who refused to take her seriously. That is, until she bitch slapped the political system and became their leader.
Again, I’m far from a historian, even glancing at her wikipedia page left me confused, but we all have to give it up to the woman who refused to be put down. Instead of being a fame whore, she was a political whore, and I say that with the utmost respect. And what basic bitch list would this be if we didn’t mention that the great Meryl Streep was nominated for an Academy Award for portraying Thatcher in the 2011 movie “Iron Lady”. It’s definitely on our queue, right after we get done with “Addicted to Fame”… which brings us to-
6. Anna Nicole Smith
I say this with no pretense or sarcasm: Anna Nicole Smith is one of my favorite people to have lived on this earth. She’s the definition of infamous. I need not write a summary of her because the entire world knows her story. Small town girl from Texas, became a stripper, landed a cover on Playboy magazine, married billionaire oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall and soon became the most famous person of her time.
Often looked at as a “gold digger”, a “whore”, a “drug addict”, people tend to forget that she was one of the most gorgeous bombshells on the planet in her heyday. She was Playboy’s Playmate of the year, and signed on to be a Guess Jeans supermodel. Soon, the entire world knew her name and face. She was being billed as the next Marilyn Monroe, in all seriousness.
Had she been dealt a different hand, that predetermined destiny may have come true. But her questionable choices led her down another road. These included marrying an 89 year old billionaire and fighting for his wealth after he passed, agreeing to be on a sleazy E! Reality show, and countless drug allegations. Anna was able to make a successful comeback in the late 2000’s. But in 2007 she tragically passed away, both after laying her son to rest and giving birth to her baby daughter. That year, she was the second most covered news story in America, only behind the war in Iraq.
The world will most likely remember Anna Nicole Smith for all the wrong reasons. But on the most basic level, we will remember her as being a beautiful, famous, glamorous bitch with more media attention than anyone else who dared to be as adventurous.
Perhaps the most legendary basic bitch, some having cited her appearance as early as the 1600’s, Cinderella’s story is timeless. She started out as a maid for her evil stepsisters and stepmother and went on to become A FUCKING PRINCESS.
With the help of her fairy godmother, Cinderella was able to attend a royal ball, showing up with a pumpkin carriage in the most fierce dress and glass slippers. No zebra print flip flops for her! She caught the eye of Prince Charming- like, that’s his name you guys- and he fell hard. All she had to do was bat an eye and he was obsessed. They later reunited after he put the glass slipper on her, at the same time bitch slapping her hoish stepsisters. He picked her up and whisked her away to his kingdom.
Cinderella’s story has stood the test of time, and has now become chapter one in the Basic Bitches handbook. All you need is some good friends and a little fairy dust and eventually no matter what your circumstances, all of your dreams will come true. Thanks for the inspiration Cindy!
4. Tyra Banks
In the 1990’s Tyra Banks was fashion’s biggest and fiercest face. In her first runway season, she was booked in 25 shows at the 1991 Paris Fashion Week. She exploded in the biggest way, being plastered on the cover of magazines everywhere. She became the face of many campaigns like Dolce and Gabbana, Yves Siant Laurent, Ralph Lauren and Nike. She was America’s sweetheart, not to mention America’s first African American sweetheart. She completely knocked down the door to become the first black woman to be on the cover of GQ magazine, Sports Illustrated magazine, and the Victoria’s secret catalog.
Tyra could’ve stopped there and still made in on our list, but she didn’t want to be simply known as a supermodel. She wanted to be known as a full fledged businesswoman. In 2003, she pioneered her own reality show competition, America’s Next Top Model, which would go on to become one of the most popular shows of the decade. And in 2005, she made her way to daytime, creating her very own talk show “Tyra”. Banks would go on to win 2 emmy awards for her talk show, and would eventually get the blessing of the almightly Oprah Winfrey.
She started as a girl with a pretty face, but like a basic bitch, she demanded more. She would go on to become a truly empowering, influential role model for the women of today. She started many organizations that aimed to help women in need and even provided funding for scholarships. She is not only a basic bitch, but a smart basic bitch. And nowadays, that’s the kind we really need.
3. Nicole Richie
It’s not easy being second banana to the “most famous for being famous” girl in the world, but in the early 2000’s Nicole Richie took on that role and completely dominated. Prior to her stint on FOX’s reality juggernaut “The Simple Life”, Nicole was somewhat of an unknown, simply referred to as the adopted daughter of singer Lionel Richie. But once the reality show debuted, she became a household name.
Nicole has always been, and may forever be remembered as Paris Hilton’s best friend, but for the basic bitches out there she is a hero. Whereas Paris was more concerned with her appearance and how she came off to cameras, Nicole completely disregarded everything and remained herself, becoming a fan favorite. She was one of us, basic as ever. Upon meeting her host family’s teenage son, she blurted out the memorable line “He seems nice, we should have a threesome with him”. When her credit card went missing, she hopped onto a pool table and doused it with bleach. It was antics like this that served as great water cooler moments for the show, and helped boost ratings and lengthen the series which ended in 2007 after 5 seasons.
After some brushes with the law, Nicole settled down to raise a family with singer Joel Madden. She is now a mogul in the fashion world and a respectable figure, but we’ll always remember her as the foul mouthed party girl who took over a small town in Arkansas and taught them what being basic was all about.
2. The Statue of Liberty
A gift from the French in 1888, the Statue of Liberty immediately became a symbol of American patriotism. She was placed on her own island, Liberty Island and stands proud at 151 ft. She may not be the tallest building, but she is easily the most recognizable. She planted her stone feet in the ground, lifted that flaming torch above her head and declared that she was here and here to stay!
She is now a staple of New York City, a town known for high class and wealth. She has appeared in movies, post cards, magazines, calenders, and is one of the most popular landmarks in all of the world. Millions of people each year travel to New York just to take a picture of her. In 2013, after more than a century of being erected she is still one of the most googled landmarks of our generation. If that isn’t a successful basic bitch, then I don’t know what is.
1. Tiffany Pollard aka New York
What can we say about reality show superstar/ model/ actress and ULTIMATE BASIC BITCH New York. She debuted on the vh1 show Flavor of Love and permanently inspired a wave of fierceness upon the world. From day one, she made it known that she was “Only there for flav”, and immediately began insulting and breaking down her competition. What’s most fascinating about this- is I believed her. She may be a good actress, or she may have actually genuinely been on television to vie for Flavor Flav’s love. Either way, she put passion into every diss that came from her lips and every flip from her perfect mane. She embodied attitude and could back it up at any time.
She became the ultimate reality show star. After losing the first season of Flavor of Love, she was asked back for the second season where she again took second place. After the highest rated season finale in vh1’s history, New York went on to have her own dating show which premiered as the highest rated season premiere in vh1 history. The show went on for two seasons and became a cult hit, sprouting even more shows. New York went on to pursue a career in acting but unfortunately has not seen the same success as her on screen personality.
New York showed us what being a basic bitch was all about. Putting 100% passion and commitment into anything you do. Being able to be in a sea of faces and truly stand out. She stayed true to herself and never apologized for a thing and that is why she is so beloved. She never answered to anyone or changed who she was. She remained herself and took over the game. Love her or hate her, she will forever live on in infamy.
COME TO UCB DECEMBER 4TH AT 6:30 PM FOR ME AND CONNIE SHIN’S SKETCH SHOW BASIC BITCHES.